Ted Mustard

Zendikar Speculations

2009-08-07T14:17:00.001-07:00

Mox Amethyst
Artifact (R)

Delve (You may exile any number of cards from your graveyard as you cast this spell. It costs 1 less to cast for each card exiled this way.)
: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool.

Illus. Alan Pollack
213/249

Temple Barkandz
Creature - Human Spellshaper (U)

, , Exile three red cards from your graveyard: Temple Barkandz deals 3 damage to target creature or player.

The temple's most experienced guards are able to harness magic from scroll fragments that other mages would disregard as useless scraps.

3/1

Illus. Eric Deschamps
150/249

Imperial Historian
Creature – Human Spellshaper (U)

, , Exile three blue cards from your graveyard: Draw three cards, then put two cards from your hand on top of your library in any order.

“To prepare for our future, we must first examine our past.”

1/3

Illus. Matt Stewart
46/249

Dispel
Instant (C)

Sway - (You may pay rather than pay this card's mana cost.)
Counter target spell unless its controller pays .

Illus. David Palumbo
42/249

Obelisk Watchers
Creature – Bird Wizard (C)

Sway – , Return an artifact you control to its owner's hand (You may pay and return an artifact you control to its owner's hand rather than pay this card's mana cost.)
Flying

Some scholars dedicate their lives to the study of the Obelisks, but occasionally a shiny bauble will draw their attention as well.

2/3

Illus. Todd Lockwood
16/249

Adrenaline Rush
Instant (C)

Sway – Exile a green card from your hand (You may exile a green card from your hand rather than pay this card's mana cost.)
Target creature gets +3/+3 until end of turn.

Arsalan’s muscles surged with unexpected strength at the discovery of his would-be assassin.

Illus. Izzy
153/249

Spiteful Sepoy
Creature – Human Warrior (U)

Sway – (You may pay 3r rather than pay this card's mana cost.)
First strike
If the sway cost was paid, Spiteful Sepoy enters the battlefield with haste.

The better the pay, the harder he fights.

2/2

Illus. Jason Chan
34/249

Bloodthirsty Azhi
Creature – Dragon (M)

Sway – , Sacrifice three creatures (You may pay 3bb and sacrifice three creatures rather than pay this card's mana cost.)
Flying
: Bloodthirsty Azhi deals 10 damage to target creature.

"The mana on this plane is wondrously strange, allowing me control over magic and beings I never thought possible."
-Sorin

5/5

Illus. Paul Bonner
117/249

No Confirmation on these... just found on the Gleemax forum.. and everyone is talking about them.. discuss!

Chimaira on Twitter!

2009-03-17T13:57:00.003-07:00

My favorite Metal band is officially on twitter! Check them out at http://www.twitter.com/chimairaband. I got a sweet preview/advance track that I'm sure I wasn't supposed to, but all the more reason to pay close attention.

BitTorrent Rocks!

2008-10-01T10:01:00.001-07:00

I don't even have anything to say, but this image was too awesome not to post.

What Jack Thompson will soon be up to

2008-09-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

Finally!!!!

This: http://kotaku.com/5054772/jack-thompson-disbarred has made me laugh all day.

McCain Says "Fuck You, I'm an anteater!"

2008-08-26T11:32:00.001-07:00

John McCain apparently doesn't care how rich he is. He also doesn't give a shit that it matters to other people. So when he is asked a direct question that any idiot could answer, he offers a distraction instead.

"How many houses do you own John McCain?"

"I WAS A PRISONER OF WAR!!!!!!!!"

"What? That's not a number."

"I SUFFERED FOR A LONG TIME."

"That really doesn't have a bearing on how many houses you need or should own. And, it's just a simple question."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHDEMOCRATS ARE STUPID."

The Beef is in the Fridge!

2008-07-27T22:32:00.001-07:00

That's all I really had to say.

Meh of the Week: The Andromeda Strain

2008-07-16T16:16:00.001-07:00

Image courtesy of topherlyte.wordpress.com

A remake of the 70s screen adaptation of the classic sci-fi novel The Andromeda Strain appeared on A&E. I've read the book a couple of times, and I loved the movie. I was a little excited to see how they'd modernize the story. Low expectations and good source material prepared me for a decent viewing.

WRONG. The genius who wrote the teleplay decided to modernize the script so the current audience could relate to the problems in the film. Who is not going to relate to a virus that kills every fucking thing that touches it? We don't need conspiracy theory, racial tension or romantic subplots. The book and the original film do a fantastic job of a team of people working together to find a solution and struggling to make the right decisions. The new miniseries just doesn't work for me.

For those unfamiliar with the story, this miniseries will do a fine job of providing high B-movie quality entertainment. Otherwise, it's just okay. Rated: Meh.

Yes. YES. YES!

2008-07-15T09:54:00.001-07:00

Finally. Scribefire doesn't suck anymore. I can now post without actually leaving the site I want to blog about. Full of win.

American Gladiators gets Hotter?

2008-05-30T14:55:00.003-07:00

I found a pleasant surprise in my inbox today. My
favorite American Gladiator, Crush, has been busy. First, I didn’t know
she was a MMA fighter. HOT. Also she’s going to be in a video game, ala Kari Wuhrer. Sweet.

Oh, I guess that’s true…

2008-05-30T14:55:00.001-07:00

I was reading this story
at work the other day and my coworker was reading over my shoulder. The
title is “Fedora 9 gives Ubuntu a Run For Its Money,” to which Pat
responded, “What money?” I had to agree.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2008-05-30T14:54:00.003-07:00

I am a huge FPS fan, ever since the original Unreal. Call of Duty
has become a new favorite of mine, particularly number 4 (number 3
according to Infinity Ward), which probably was anything I’d ever
wanted from a shooter, both single and multiplayer. But then came this news.

Treyarch is responsible for a whole lot of mediocre games, most
especially Call of Duty 3 (piece of shit according to Infinity Ward).
After the greatness of Call of Duty 2, Treyarch overhauled the game,
and worked really hard to make… the exact same game.

After the massive success of Call of Duty 4, Activision, in their
infinite wisdom, turned to veteran Call of Duty rehashers Treyarch to
get their take on what Call of Duty 5 should be. Here’s how I imagined
the conversation going:

Activision: We need a fifth ~~money-maker~~ Call of Duty game. You guys ~~aren’t completely retarded~~ did a great job on Call of Duty 3. What’s your vision for the next ~~cash-cow~~ game?

Treyarch: Alright picture this, okay? So COD4 was revolutionary,
right? Modern Warfare and all that? Fuck that. We’re going OLD SCHOOL.
Back to the roots. But we’re gonna switch it up! Watch Out! BAM!

(A picture of the pacific ocean and a movie theater gets put on a easel)

Treyarch: PACIFIC THEATER! WORLD WAR II! There is no way this will fail or suck in any way.

Activision: We’re sold. (faint ca-chinging sounds can be heard as their eyes roll like slot machines and display dollar signs)

(End Scene)

Here are some problems with this, Treyarch.

1. World War 2 again? Hey Treyarch, three years ago called, and it
wants its overdone and uninteresting genre back. Seriously, aren’t we
done with World War 2 games yet? Plus, why go back to world war two
after Modern Warfare was so successful?

2. The pacific theater? Oh that’s right, I remember all of the
successful games based on the pacific theater. Games like Medal of
Honor: Rising Sun or whatever that bullshit was called. More like Medal
of Honor: Please Help Us the publisher won’t let us stop making these
damn games. Everyone knows that everything interesting or fun in WWII
happened in Europe. The pacific theater is just depressing.

3. Why Treyarch for call of duty 5? Why not let Infinity Ward work
their magic on the fifth one and let the series retain some of its
integrity? Give Treyarch some other shit game to make.

4. I don’t really have anything else, but Treyarch can suck my balls. Activision too, for that matter.

On the Ambiguity of Language

2008-05-30T14:54:00.001-07:00

While concocting a viable excuse for being late to work, I stumbled
on a phrase that I turned over a couple of times and realized could be
used to mean several different things. I was thinking about almost
every stoplight I came upon on my way to work turned red before I got
there, and was thinking, “I hit every light on the way here!”

This could be taken in the positive sense, meaning all of them were
green. This is the beginning of a good day, because you know you’ve
already got some luck on your side.

This statement could also be interpreted with negative connotations, such as my example above, when they were all red.

Or this could be used incredibly literally, as in Grand Theft Auto,
meaning instead that my car made PHYSICAL CONTACT with every light
between here and my house.

Yeah, I went there.

Girl Scouts Suck

2008-05-30T14:53:00.001-07:00

Girl scouts
piss me off sometimes. Their smug looks, and “we can too” attitudes.
Bullshit. Wearing Badges like they earned them. Sewing only counts if
you’re sewing human flesh. Sorry.

I’m actually not sorry. This story
just goes to show the problem with the modern media and ego. The
ability of an information meme to permeate modern culture has given the
individual ego the idea the reinforcement it needs to believe that
thoughts of the everyman matter to the general public (Is the irony
lost on me here? Yes.) .

These stupid kids think that their opinion and actions will matter
or that anyone else will give a shit what two twelve year old girl
scouts think? Here’s a wake-up call you underage bitches: NO ONE CARES
WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE DAMN COOKIES. For every one box you refuse to
sell, there are three hundred thousand other dumb bitches selling 30
boxes. You are insignificant and you only did this to get on TV. Suck
it up and sell the damn cookies.

PS. To the parents of the dumb bitches reference above:

1. Madison is a city in Wisconsin, and a terrible name for a child.
Stop it. You seem like pompous pricks when you name your child stupid
fucking names like Madison. Strike that, you let everyone know that you
are pompous pricks, when you name your children names like Madison.
This goes for all children named “Hunter”as well. We haven’t been
hunters for about 6 or 8 thousand years, so get over it.

2. Rhiannon is a horse-goddess.
Naming your daughter Rhiannon is effectively calling your daughter a
horse. Great job. You might as well enroll her in gentleman’s club
training after middle school and stop lying to yourself.

This Just In: “Late Night” Soon To Become Unwatchable

2008-05-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

I don’t know why I hadn’t heard of this sooner, but apparently unfunnyman Jimmy Fallon has been in talks with NBC to fill Conan O’Brien’s spot on Late Night. Honestly, I’m not too surprised. The writers and producers of the show have already been trying really hard to make the show unenjoyable.

They constanstly have stupid bits and jokes that don’t even make ME laugh (an impressive feat, according to most of my friends), repeating the same joke 5 shows a week. After the opening monologue, the show is just a commercial for actor-of-the-day’s latest TV/Movie project. The conversations are dreadfully rehearsed or setup. I don’t even watch the musical guests. They haven’t had anyone good.

The only current redeeming factor of Late Night is Conan O’Brian. He’s wonderfully self-deprecating, and he’s got a weird sense of humor that tends to mirror my own. That’s always awesome. Sometimes he continues jokes beyond the crap that the writers provide into the genius territory.

[Update: I read the rest of the article. Conan is in fact moving to the Tonight Show. Epic Win. Now I don’t have to stay up so late.]

UTSFE

2008-04-04T19:25:00.001-07:00

Recently, I came upon an internet acronym I had not seen before,
UTFSE. It means use the (familiar) search engine. In this day and age
with Google being the standard repository of all knowledge, I think
this is somewhat of an unfair retort. I think it is safe to assume that
most of everyone I know is familiar with what Google is and what it can
do. So if I specifically choose NOT to use Google and ask a real human
being, I probably have a good reason for doing so.

By asking you directly, I am appealing to not only
your superior knowledge, but your valuable experience. Google does not
yet have the ability to replicate specific experience like the human
brain.

If someone asks you a question, don’t assume they’re being lazy, and don’t be rude.

Can Your Brain Tell When It’s Getting Stupider?

2008-03-24T23:18:00.004-07:00

So let me begin by glorifying College Humor. It’s a great site with a lot of funny videos. They have a great mind for five-minute humor. I go there pretty much every day to laugh my ass off. On that note, let me tell you about my journey: I’m quitting my job. That means I don’t want or have to do work. The problem is, I have a lot of time on my hands from 9:00 in the morning to 6:00 at night (roughly, punctuality is not a concern either). To fill the hours, I decided to embark on a mission.

I’ve been a regular College Humor visitor for a few months, but the site has some 6,500 videos, of which I had barely cracked the surface. So, off to video number one I went, to begin the journey to the latest video: to watch ALL the videos that College Humor had to offer.

This was a terrible idea, for many reasons. People are really stupid and think really stupid stuff is funny — I would know. There are a lot of bad (rather, unfunny) videos on the website. For example, the things you and your friends think are hilarious, but it turns out that you had to be there for it to be funny.

But, on the fortunate side, I have been able to assess my own little mini social-observation experiment, and I’d like to share some of my findings:

1. Dorms look the same at every college.
2. I’m very glad I never lived in a dorm.
3. College kids have a lot of free time and spend most of it drinking.
4. College kids do stupid things when they’re drunk.
5. Watching people hurt themselves will never stop being funny.

And, um…

Also…

I forget. I seem to be losing brain cells as the hours go by.

Ok, only 3500 videos to go.

No, it’s probably supposed to be like that.

2008-03-24T23:18:00.003-07:00

“I wanted to join the Optimist’s Club, but I was afraid they wouldn’t accept my application.”
-Anonymous

This makes me feel safe at work. Although I never work with hazardous or caustic chemicals, I wonder if this will ever come back to bite me in the ass.

1000 Word Review: The Other Boleyn Girl

2008-03-24T23:18:00.001-07:00

Keeping the Dream Alive

2008-03-24T23:17:00.001-07:00

Ten in a row!!!!! I can barely believe it. I have serious hopes at our chances this year. Now, we just have to take care of some other issues.

EDIT: Also, can we feel a little love for Brian Campbell?

Steve who?

[UPDATE: The dream is over. (Oilers’ goaltender) Dwayne Roloson is a bitch.]

I Don't Trust You Anymore, Heidi

2008-03-24T23:11:00.000-07:00

I enjoy having a GPS device. It’s helpful when you don’t know where you’re going, but what do you do when your GPS device is lost as well?

My GPS device has a girl’s voice, ergo I named her Heidi. The other day, I went cake-tasting in Livermore with my fiance. On our way back home, I couldn’t remember how to get back to the freeway, so I busted out Heidi, and asked for help. What ensued was a 25 minute goose chase of Heidi leading me through back roads and Heidi getting constantly confused about where she was going. Eventually the two of us fumbled our way back onto a freeway and made it home safely (mostly because I stopped listening to what the GPS was saying).

All in all, I think I’m going to be less blindly trustful of the GPS machine.

Tags:

My Crown of Thorns?

2008-03-21T16:45:00.001-07:00

My coworker and I have recently been having an ongoing discussion about web browsers.

This comic provides some perspective to the argument. This one too.

I am a staunch Firefox user, and am (nearly) physically revolted at people who still use Internet Explorer.

My friend uses Opera, an awesome browser with some crazy features. I
had heard of opera before, but I haven’t actually used it. My friend
showed me feature after feature that constantly impressed me. I
refused to believe that Firefox couldn’t do anything that Opera could.

*Cue song - “Anything you can do…”*

Enter the beauty of Firefox Add-Ons. Almost every feature that Opera
touts can be done or emulated in Firefox with addons. I proceeded to
show my friend how my “pimped” Firefox now is as good as his Opera, and
all he could do was mock me.

My friend - “If you’re going to make it work like Opera, why don’t you just use Opera?”

Me - “…”

My friend - “That’s what I thought.”

So now our catch-phrase is “Maybe there’s a Firefox Extension for that…”

[Update: I’m still not switching to Opera.]

World's Worst Toilet Training Tool

2008-03-21T15:53:00.001-07:00

I have no idea where this came from or why, but with my ridiculous sense of humor, I am inclined to believe that someone thought that this might be conducive to teaching ~~children~~ boys not to miss the bowl when peeing.