American Gladiators gets Hotter?

I found a pleasant surprise in my inbox today. My
favorite American Gladiator, Crush, has been busy. First, I didn’t know
she was a MMA fighter. HOT. Also she’s going to be in a video game, ala Kari Wuhrer. Sweet.

Oh, I guess that’s true…

I was reading this story
at work the other day and my coworker was reading over my shoulder. The
title is “Fedora 9 gives Ubuntu a Run For Its Money,” to which Pat
responded, “What money?” I had to agree.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I am a huge FPS fan, ever since the original Unreal. Call of Duty
has become a new favorite of mine, particularly number 4 (number 3
according to Infinity Ward), which probably was anything I’d ever
wanted from a shooter, both single and multiplayer. But then came this news.

Treyarch is responsible for a whole lot of mediocre games, most
especially Call of Duty 3 (piece of shit according to Infinity Ward).
After the greatness of Call of Duty 2, Treyarch overhauled the game,
and worked really hard to make… the exact same game.

After the massive success of Call of Duty 4, Activision, in their
infinite wisdom, turned to veteran Call of Duty rehashers Treyarch to
get their take on what Call of Duty 5 should be. Here’s how I imagined
the conversation going:

Activision: We need a fifth money-maker Call of Duty game. You guys aren’t completely retarded did a great job on Call of Duty 3. What’s your vision for the next cash-cow game?

Treyarch: Alright picture this, okay? So COD4 was revolutionary,
right? Modern Warfare and all that? Fuck that. We’re going OLD SCHOOL.
Back to the roots. But we’re gonna switch it up! Watch Out! BAM!

(A picture of the pacific ocean and a movie theater gets put on a easel)

Treyarch: PACIFIC THEATER! WORLD WAR II! There is no way this will fail or suck in any way.

Activision: We’re sold. (faint ca-chinging sounds can be heard as their eyes roll like slot machines and display dollar signs)

(End Scene)

Here are some problems with this, Treyarch.

1. World War 2 again? Hey Treyarch, three years ago called, and it
wants its overdone and uninteresting genre back. Seriously, aren’t we
done with World War 2 games yet? Plus, why go back to world war two
after Modern Warfare was so successful?

2. The pacific theater? Oh that’s right, I remember all of the
successful games based on the pacific theater. Games like Medal of
Honor: Rising Sun or whatever that bullshit was called. More like Medal
of Honor: Please Help Us the publisher won’t let us stop making these
damn games. Everyone knows that everything interesting or fun in WWII
happened in Europe. The pacific theater is just depressing.

3. Why Treyarch for call of duty 5? Why not let Infinity Ward work
their magic on the fifth one and let the series retain some of its
integrity? Give Treyarch some other shit game to make.

4. I don’t really have anything else, but Treyarch can suck my balls. Activision too, for that matter.

On the Ambiguity of Language

While concocting a viable excuse for being late to work, I stumbled
on a phrase that I turned over a couple of times and realized could be
used to mean several different things. I was thinking about almost
every stoplight I came upon on my way to work turned red before I got
there, and was thinking, “I hit every light on the way here!”

This could be taken in the positive sense, meaning all of them were
green. This is the beginning of a good day, because you know you’ve
already got some luck on your side.

This statement could also be interpreted with negative connotations, such as my example above, when they were all red.

Or this could be used incredibly literally, as in Grand Theft Auto,
meaning instead that my car made PHYSICAL CONTACT with every light
between here and my house.

Yeah, I went there.

Girl Scouts Suck

Girl scouts
piss me off sometimes. Their smug looks, and “we can too” attitudes.
Bullshit. Wearing Badges like they earned them. Sewing only counts if
you’re sewing human flesh. Sorry.

I’m actually not sorry. This story
just goes to show the problem with the modern media and ego. The
ability of an information meme to permeate modern culture has given the
individual ego the idea the reinforcement it needs to believe that
thoughts of the everyman matter to the general public (Is the irony
lost on me here? Yes.) .

These stupid kids think that their opinion and actions will matter
or that anyone else will give a shit what two twelve year old girl
scouts think? Here’s a wake-up call you underage bitches: NO ONE CARES
WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THE DAMN COOKIES. For every one box you refuse to
sell, there are three hundred thousand other dumb bitches selling 30
boxes. You are insignificant and you only did this to get on TV. Suck
it up and sell the damn cookies.

PS. To the parents of the dumb bitches reference above:

1. Madison is a city in Wisconsin, and a terrible name for a child.
Stop it. You seem like pompous pricks when you name your child stupid
fucking names like Madison. Strike that, you let everyone know that you
are pompous pricks, when you name your children names like Madison.
This goes for all children named “Hunter”as well. We haven’t been
hunters for about 6 or 8 thousand years, so get over it.

2. Rhiannon is a horse-goddess.
Naming your daughter Rhiannon is effectively calling your daughter a
horse. Great job. You might as well enroll her in gentleman’s club
training after middle school and stop lying to yourself.

This Just In: “Late Night” Soon To Become Unwatchable

I don’t know why I hadn’t heard of this sooner, but apparently unfunnyman Jimmy Fallon has been in talks with NBC to fill Conan O’Brien’s spot on Late Night. Honestly, I’m not too surprised. The writers and producers of the show have already been trying really hard to make the show unenjoyable.


They constanstly have stupid bits and jokes that don’t even make ME laugh (an impressive feat, according to most of my friends), repeating the same joke 5 shows a week. After the opening monologue, the show is just a commercial for actor-of-the-day’s latest TV/Movie project. The conversations are dreadfully rehearsed or setup. I don’t even watch the musical guests. They haven’t had anyone good.

The only current redeeming factor of Late Night is Conan O’Brian. He’s wonderfully self-deprecating, and he’s got a weird sense of humor that tends to mirror my own. That’s always awesome. Sometimes he continues jokes beyond the crap that the writers provide into the genius territory.

[Update: I read the rest of the article. Conan is in fact moving to the Tonight Show. Epic Win. Now I don’t have to stay up so late.]